[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
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Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.