[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
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1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely