[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

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[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.


I don’t have tinted windows on my car because if people don’t like watching me dance, they can tint their own goddamn windows.


The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png


Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.


Hi mom, we shot the new Hobbit movie today. I’m orc #56, the one accidentally wearing a watch. The director was really mad.


Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick


Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.


I like taking my cats out for a drive to show them roadkill so they know what will happen if they ever leave me.