Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: She’s a ten but she-

Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”

interviewer: any questions?

me: yes, what are your strengths?

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*