Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
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i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
one last job
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.