Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
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Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Happy Halloween 🎃
Jeans are once again asking too much of me.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
