[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
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Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Just so funny
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
selfie game
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…