[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
You Might Also Like
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
my proudest tweet
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.