Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
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BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
I self medicate, therefore you live.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.