Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children