Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
You Might Also Like
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
*Usher and Lil John singing from the radio*: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”My 7yo: What’s this song called?
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.