Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
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My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Siri, fight Alexa.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Cake!!
Am getting real tired of your crap…
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?