Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

🧠

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

BREAKING: I am a medical miracle

just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments