Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?

My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.

I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

birds and squirrels envy us

*Texting with my wife while she’s out*

Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !

Me: YOU’RE *

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

“A little help here, Danny?”

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

HER: so I hear you’re a runner

ME: yes

OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know

me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO

Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷‍♀️

Orcas are not our friends

WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok

[later]

ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.

Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog

Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather

[Earlier]

Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies