Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.

A family that plays together cheats.

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified

Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?