Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…

My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.

a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.