*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
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Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Stop
Dear Lord..
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany