Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety

me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?

boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

Modded the new Gran Turismo

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.

Me: i need a copy of this key.

hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.

me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.

*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*