Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.

Friend: what are you doing for VD?

Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Friend: Valentine’s Day…

Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*

Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.

Hello, my name is Pierre.

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

My doctor says I only have one diabete.

BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.

ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”

15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now