Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!

HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

mechanics be like

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?

me: i gotta fight you for them?

Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.