*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
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Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I have a type: disappointing
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
My work here is done
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
The booster protects against what, now?
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.