Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!

Anybody: I’d be happy to—

John Lennon: Not just anybody!

Anybody: Okay then.

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

Some Things Never Change 😀

#archaeohistories

Red Bull gives you wings.

Sugar Daddy gives you things.

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

a McRib killed my tapeworm

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

Real bees work best

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak