Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”

Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating

Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it

Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets

Therapist: absolutely not

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*

Spider:

Me:

Spider:

Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

Make new friends? bro out of what?

LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl

CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

I’m not average. I’m mean.

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up