Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Just kidding. He totally threw up.

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

batman: i caught the penguin

judge: bail is set for $0

batman: isn’t he a flight risk?

judge:

batman: oh right

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are