Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

No way!

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

And bowling should be called pinball

Me: Please throw your trash away.

Child: I’m too tired!!

Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]

3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!

Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?

3:…

Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?

3:…

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin