Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

“and this blood shall be called A+”

all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk

The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?

1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

the simulation is moving too fast

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.

It’s science.

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby

Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

When you’ve simply given up.

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…