M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
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If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Yup!
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*