Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”

im all 3

🌱🌱🌱

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do

My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone

Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.