Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

“This is from the both of us”

– my parents giving me mental illness

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch

It should cost money to watch me bend over to pick something up off the floor

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!

YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.

ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.

Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.