Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.

#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

Track coach: run like the wind!

Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”

[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”

[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder