Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”

This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

Fool me once shame on you

Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.

Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?

PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room

WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.