Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.

Woman: I’m a penguin.

Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?