‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
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Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
crochet youtube is brutal
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun