Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

me as a parent

me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]

fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week

Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich

Therapist:

Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon

Therapist:

Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think

Therapist:

Me: Why do you look so sad

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

My horoscope said I should kiss you today

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.