M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
You Might Also Like
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.