M: *hands you back your baby*

Aw, is he getting too heavy?

M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.

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If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?


I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.


I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.


I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.


The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in


*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
A no-good red!
Tough guy eh?
We can do this all night.


Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.