@3sunzzz

M: *hands you back your baby*

Aw, is he getting too heavy?

M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.

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@stirthemoose

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

@sip_at_home_mom

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

@MelvinofYork

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

@KentWGraham

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

@NrouteHQ

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

@BlindChow

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

@TheAlexNevil

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.