M: *hands you back your baby*

Aw, is he getting too heavy?

M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.

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When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.


Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.


In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.

~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.


It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.


and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area


*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played


Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.


FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence


Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…