When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
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Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit