If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
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I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.
Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
A no-good red!
Tough guy eh?
We can do this all night.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.