Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

This meeting could have been a cake

Vet: “I can see the head…

…here’s the neck…

…more neck…

…more neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…still more neck…

…neck…

…it’s a giraffe!”

How to parallel park:

1) Park somewhere else.

🐕🍷

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo