Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

(by @ZachWeiner )

Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next

Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern