M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
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No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are