Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.