Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.

A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*

Four-year-old: Look, a rock!

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.

Best correction of the day, if not ever:

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”