Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

⚠️ Important Reminder:

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…