M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
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Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Not saying I was a gullible kid but my sister once gave me scissors and said “Grandma needs us to trim the carpet”
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name