M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
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My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.