i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
You Might Also Like
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.