i’m gonna build my house on your house and if you even come close to my house that’s attached to your house, we’ll attack you..
M: I rear-ended some girl today
W: Oh how much damage to her car
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PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.