“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
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Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
This is Sparta
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”