Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”

*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge

“This is the wrong video”

“No this is right”

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

My new favorite headline

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

Haha good job!!

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

me: what do you know about atoms?

friend: very little

me: besides that

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?

Am getting real tired of your crap…

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

*3:30 am

House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?

Smoke alarm: I had last week

Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.

HA: Water heater?

WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!

Me: *almost falls out of bed*

HA: HAHAHA! Good work!