Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

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Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

Smells like a challenge to me

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face