M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
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I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
My blood type is coffee.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.