Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

Creepy-crawlies

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?

[commercial for rakes]

“Are u tired of eating leaves?”

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.