’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
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I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”