’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
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If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Time heals everything 🙂
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Quadruple digit IQ
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
