I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
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“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
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[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!