Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
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My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
✌🏽
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones