@Home_Halfway

M. Night Shyamalan: *hiding*

M. Night Confidentamalan: Hey guys! How is everyone?

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@Darlainky

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

@JB4Realz

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

@Marlebean

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

@iGreenMonk

I can always tell when someone is lying by tying them down and strapping them to a lie detector.

@Daveastated

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

@Cali_Kid_Mike

I’m not into anything “weird”, but this vacuum at Target looks like a total VILF.

@linanneblack

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

@GrowlyGrego

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

@timdonakowski

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?