Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.

I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.