M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
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My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
@ candidates for local office
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick