Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

We have guests, go get the fancy cups.

god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes

me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then

god: LOL wow, you are funny

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

TEETH IS INNOCENT

Direct deposit: $1400

Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?