M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
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british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.