Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…

[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?

I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited