M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
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If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.