M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
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-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk