Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.

Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.

#HatDadJoke

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?

Bernadette.

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad

If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”

Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.

He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”

Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.