M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
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DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
🤣🤣🤣
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company