Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.

Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.

Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!

My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

[having a little snack before bed]

Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life