Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

#Caturday

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

Frankenstein?

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.