Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.

*visits random websites just for the cookies*

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.

Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.

8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.

Me: You’re holding nunchucks.

8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?

I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

Rude much 😂😂😂