Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.

“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

*learns about complementary colors*

in my head:

red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.

10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.