M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
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In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Watson was Holmes schooled
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.