Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

Rt to bother an English speaker

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin

ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”

3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.