Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

*Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

!!!!!!!!!!!

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward

me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects

my bed: [chuckles darkly]